Totally Overwhelmed

I'm not going to lie, these past two weeks have not been great. I am growing weary of never knowing what I'm doing. I have more insecurity than I have had in a really long time. I am tired of not knowing Spanish. I am tired of being sick. ( Side note: I have gotten over my cold for the most part, though I do have a lingering cough, but now I am having intestinal problems. Based on conversations with my family at home and friends here, I am either having trouble digesting fats and oils, or I have a parasite). I am tired of feeling like I work harder here and get less accomplished. I am tired of thinking I planned a great lesson only to have it bomb because I executed it poorly.  Basically, the shiny novelty of living in Ecuador is starting to wear off, and the many realities of living in a foreign country are starting to set in.

This is still what I want, don't get me wrong. This is still what I worked for all those months last year, and inadvertently for the past however many years. I am just ready for some sense of adequacy. It is  fairly painful to be faced with an entire set of Ecuador-related insecurities to constantly keep at bay and work toward overcoming.

At the same time, there are synchronicities that occur here regularly enough that I feel like I'm doing something kind of right. For example, the night before I left for Cuenca, I prayed that the Powers That Be would provide me with a loving community, that I could find a yoga class (or something similar), and that I would feel "good enough" in this new life, among other things. My first night in Cuenca I was invited to join a yoga class. Yesterday I moved into what will likely be my permanent housing for the year: a house for internationals in Cuenca which houses seven other people who welcomed me into "the family" when I arrived. And while I don't always feel "good enough" I am taking steps to take care of myself daily, so that I have some sense of self worth even in the face of all my insecurity.

One of the many things I am learning here, is that life is absolutely packed with both good and bad. I am kind of overwhelmed by how much I feel here on a daily basis, but then again I have always been an emotional person. My life in Ecuador is literally like riding an emotional roller coaster; I actively try to take pride in all my small accomplishments, but at the same time, making mistakes can make me feel totally dejected. This fact in itself adds to the theme of overwhelm in my life, because as emotional as I am, I'm usually more stable. I keep telling myself that, in time and with effort, I will regain a sense of normalcy. Hopefully it's not too much time.